Aah!
Aaah!
Thank you, honey, but you really didn't have to do this.
You son of a bitch! What if we'd been picked up?
Turn left here.
Nathan Junior would have been accessory to armed robbery.
It ain't armed robbery if the gun ain't loaded.
What kind of home life is this for a toddler?
You're supposed to be an example.
A what? Businessman?
I never postured myself as a three-piece-suit type!
Turn right, honey.
We got a child now. Everything's changed.
Nathan Junior accepts me for what I am...
and I think you better had, too.
I'm OK, you're OK. That there's what it is.
I know, but, honey...
I come from a long line of frontiersmen-
Oh, here it is, dear. Turn here.
I'm not gonna live this way, Hi.
It just ain't family life!
Well, it ain't Ozzie and Harriet.
You two are leaving tomorrow morning.
I got nothing against you personally...
but you're wanted by the authorities...
and you're a bad influence in this household.
Well, ma'am...
we sure didn't mean to influence anybody.
And if we did, we apologize.
I'm going in town tomorrow to see about shots for the baby.
When I come back, you better be gone.
What's he need, his dip-tet?
I'm awful sorry, boys, but... when Ed gets mad...
you know, she gets an idea.
There ain't a thing to apologize for, H.I.
Seems pretty clear what the situation is here.
Yeah. I guess the missis wants us to clear out.
Now, H.I., if you'll pardon me for sayin' so...
I get the feelin' that this here ain't exactly workin' out.
Edwina's generally a real sweetheart.
And as per usual, I wouldn't be surprised...
if the source of the marital friction weren't financial.
As a matter of fact... I did lose my job today.
Oh, Hi, you're young and got your health.
What do you want with a job?
I'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness.
Now, as you know...
Evelle and I never go anywhere without there's a purpose.
And here we are in your little domicile.
We come to invite you in on a little score.
- A bank, H.I. - Come on, now!
I know you're partial to convenience stores...
but damn it, H.I...
the sun don't rise and set on the corner grocery.
It's like Doc Schwartz says.
You got to have a little ambition.
We just watchin' on the news...
how somebody went and snatched one of them Arizona babies.
Oh, for Christ's sakes.
That's somebody who's thinking big.
Here you are sitting on your butt...
playing house with a-
don't get me wrong- with a fine woman...
but a woman who needs a button-down type.
I don't particularly think that's any of your-
Hold on, H.I. Now looky there.
That's a picture of El Dorado.
The locals call it...
the Farmers & Mechanics Bank of La Grange.
Looks like a hayseed bank.
To tell you the truth, it is a hayseed bank...
except the last Friday of every financial quarter...
there's more cash in that bank than flies at a barbecue.
Guess what day it is tomorrow?
When all the hayseeds come in...
and cash their farm subsidies checks.
A-1 information.
Got it in the joint from Lawrence Spivy...
one of Dick Nixon's Undersecretary of Agriculture.
He's in for soliciting sex from a state trooper.
Ordinarily we don't associate with that type...
but he was trying to make a few brownie points.
Boys, I can't.
We need someone handy with a scatter-gun...
to cover them hayseeds while we get that cash.
You understand, H.I.?
If this works out, it's just the beginning...
of a spree to cover the entire Southwest.
And we keep going until we can retire...
or we get caught.
Either way, we're fixed for life.
Boys, this is a kind offer, but...
if you're suggesting I just up and leave Ed...
that would be pretty damn cowardly, wouldn't it?
Would it? Think about it, H.I.
Seems to me, sitting here, you ain't doing her any good...
and you ain't bein' true to your own nature.
"My dearest Edwina...
"tonight as you and Nathan slumber...
"my heart is filled with anguish.
"I hope that you will both understand...
"and forgive me for what I have decided I must do.
"By the time you read this, I will be gone.
"I will never be the man that you want me to be...
"the husband and father that you and Nathan deserve.
"Maybe it's my upbringing.
"Maybe it's just that my genes got screwed up.
"I don't know...
"but the events of the last day...
"have showed amply...
"that I don't have the strength of character...
"to raise up a family...
"in the manner befitting a responsible adult.
"I say all this to my shame.
"I will love you always...
"truly and deeply...
"but I fear that if I stay...
"I would only bring bad trouble...
"on the heads of you and Nathan Junior.
"I feel the thunder gathering even now.
"If I leave...
"hopefully, it will leave with me.
"I cannot tarry.
"Better I should go...
"send you money...
"and let you curse my name.
"Your loving...
"Herbert. "
Mr. Arizona, he just barged in.
Should I call Dwayne?
Hell, no. Why wake the security guard?
I'll take care of this.
You got flies.
I doubt it.
This place is climate-controlled.
All the windows are sealed.
Who the hell are you?
Smalls.
Leonard Smalls.
My friends call me Lenny... but I got no friends.
Oh, stop. You're gonna make me bust out cryin'.
Leonard, you want some furniture or a shit box...
they're out there on the sales floor.
I'm not a customer.
I'm a manhunter.
Now, of course, I do hunt babies on occasion.
I hear you've got one you can't put your hand to.
What do you know about it?
That's my business. I'm a tracker.
Some say part hound dog.
When some dink busts out of the joint, skips bail...
I'm the one they call.
Mister...
I got the cops, state troopers, Federal B.I...
already looking for my boy.
Now, if you got information-
Cops won't find your boy.
A cop couldn't find his butt if he had a bell on it.
You want to find an outlaw, you call an outlaw.
You want to find a Dunkin' Donuts, call a cop.
Smalls, first off, get your damn feet off my furniture!
Second off, it's widely known...
I posted a twenty-five-grand reward for my boy.
Now, if you can find him, claim it.
Short of that... what have we got to talk about?
Price... fair price.
It's not what you say it is. It's what the market will bear.
Simple economics.
Other people- and mind you, I know them-
that'll pay more than $25,000 for a healthy baby.
What are you after?
Give you an idea.
Why, as a pup, I myself fetched $30,000 on the black market-
them was 1954 dollars.
Now, for fifty grand, I'll track him.
I'll find him.
Them people that took him...
I'll kick their butts.
No extra charge.
And if I don't pay?
I'll get the boy, regardless...
but if you don't pay...
the market will.
You want to know what I think?
I think you're an evil man.
I think this is nothing but a goddamn screw job.
I think it's a shakedown.
I think you're the one that took Nathan Junior...
and you're the one that's gonna get his butt kicked.
I'm gonna phone the cops right now.
Up and at 'em!
Today's the first day of the rest of your life.
Already you're messing it up.
Missis gonna be back from town soon.
Where's the baby?
In the bedroom in his crib.
He's sawin' toothpicks. He'll be fine.
You expecting anyone?
No.
Ugh...
You two stay out of sight.
Mornin', Glen.
I ain't comin' in. I'll just keep my distance.
I didn't invite you in, Glen.
Don't even bother.
First off, you're fired. And that's official.
I kind of figured that, Glen.
That ain't the reason I come out here.
No. You're in a whole shitload of trouble!
Why don't you just calm down?
Why don't you just make me?
You know that little baby you got?
I know what his real name is.
Keep your voice down, Glen.
I'll pitch my voice wherever I please!
His name ain't Hi Junior or Ed Junior...
but it's Junior, all right!
It's Nathan Junior!
Stay away from me, McDunnough!
Yeah, you're an awful big man...
when you got something to clobber a guy with.
I ain't a big man.
That's right.
And now, you're at my mercy.
I'm your worst nightmare.
I was just gonna turn you in for the reward...
but Dot wants something to cuddle.
So we'll call the baby Glen Junior from now on.
I'll give you a day to break the news to Ed.
Dot will be around tomorrow to pick him up.
Either that, or you go to jail.
Say, that reminds me.
You'll be getting a doctor bill in the mail in a few days.
I recommend you pay it!
What's going on here?
You know what's going on. It's just business.
This can go hard or easy, H.I.
Aah!
Aaagh!
My sweet Lord!
Come on.
Aah!
Comin' round the mountain when she comes
Oh, when she comes
She'll be comin' round the mountain
When she comes
Good!
Honey, there ain't a thing to be worried about.
We're absolutely gonna get him back.
We'll get him back. That's all there is to it.
I'm gonna be a better person from here on out.
That's final. That's absolutely the way it's gonna be.
That's official. You were right, I was wrong.
A blind man could tell you that.
They ain't gonna hurt him.
They're just in it for the score.
I ain't like that no more. I'm a changed man.
We got a family. I'm gonna start acting responsibly.
So let's go, honey.
Let's go get Nathan Junior!
All have chicken and dumplings
Yeah, we'll all have chicken and dumplings
When she comes
Yee-hoo!
I lo-o-ove to drive.
Boy, you sure said something there, partner.
Yes, sir.
I figure between the ransom and this bank...
you and I will be sitting in the fabled catbird seat.
Gale... um...
Junior just had a- a-an accident.
What's that, partner?
He had himself a little old accident.
What do you mean? He looks OK.
No. See, moving, though we are...
he went and had himself a little old rest stop.
Well, that's natural.
Gale?
What now, little brother?
He smiled at me.
You smiled at me, you. Come here. Yeah.
You know how to put these on?
Around the butt and up over the groin area.
I know where they go, old-timer.
I just want to know whether I need to use pins or fasteners.
No. They got those tapettes already on there.
It's self-contained and fairly explanatory.
Uh-huh.
Balloons!
These blow up into funny shapes?
Well, no, unless round is funny.
I'll take those, too.
All right, now!
Now, you just lie down back there, old-timer.
Yes, sir!
I want you to count up to eight hundred twenty-five...
then on back down to zero.
OK, then.
I'm comin' back in five...
and check to see that you ain't cheatin'.
Open the door!
He's real cheerful once he warms up to you.
I don't know how high this one can count.
Six Mississippi...
seven Mississippi...
eight Mississippi...
nine Mississippi...
Got some baby grub, baby wipes.
Got them diapers, them disposable kind.
I got me a packet of balloons.
They blow up into funny shapes?
No. Just circular.
Say... where's Junior?
- Didn't you put him in? - I thought-
Where did we leave him?
- Aah! - Aah!
Aah!
No!
Aaah!
- Aah! - Aah!
- Aaa!
- Aah! - Aah!
- My baby! - Aah!
- Aah!
Eight hundred one Mississippi.
Eight hundred Mississippi...
- Aah... - Aah...
Aah!
- Aah! - Junior!
Aah!
- Aah! Aah! - We're on the way!
Seven hundred and ninety-one...
Aw, bullshit!
- Aah! - Aah!
Seven hundred and ninety-aught Mississippi...
- Aah! - Aah!
Seven hundred eighty-seven Mississippi...
Oh, baby! Oh, baby.
Seven hundred eighty-five Mississippi...
Promise we ain't never gonna leave him, Gale.
We ain't never gonna give him up again, Evelle.
He's our little Gale Junior now.
Ed...
I realize...
I can't be much of a comfort to you now...
but let me just say this.
You'll feel a whole lot better-
- I don't want to feel better. - Honey.
I don't care about myself anymore.
I don't care about us anymore.
I just want Nathan Junior back safe.
I know that.
If we don't get him back, I don't want to go on living.
Even if we do get him back, I don't want to live with you.
I- I guess I still love you, Hi.
I- I know I do.
I ain't even blamin' you.
The whole thing was crazy, and the whole thing was my idea.
Factually, I bear a large percentage-
Let me finish.
Ever since those jailbirds took Nathan...
I been doin' some thinkin', and I ain't too proud of myself.
Even if Mrs. Arizona had more than she could handle...
I was a police officer sworn to uphold...
the Constitution of the United States.
You resigned before we ever-
That ain't the point, Hi.
We don't deserve Nathan Junior...
any more than those jailbirds do.
If I'm as selfish and irresponsible as you-
You're not that bad.
If I'm as bad as you, what good are we to each other?
You and me's just a fool's paradise.
- There she is. - Yep.
Well, let's do her.
What are we gonna do with Gale Junior?
He stays here.
Are you crazy?
Suppose we go in there and get ourselves killed?
It would be hours before he gets discovered.
All right, you hayseeds, it's a stickup!
Everybody freeze.
Everybody down on the ground.
Well, which is it, young feller?
You want I should freeze or get down on the ground?
I mean to say, if'n I freeze, I can't rightly drop.
If'n I drop, I'm gonna be in motion.
- Shut up! - OK, then.
Everybody down on the ground!
Forget that part about freezing, now.
- Till they get down there. - Y'all hear that, don't you?
Want to fill this up, partner?
We gotta-Shit!
Where'd all the tellers go?
Down here, sir.
They're on the ground like you commanded, Gale.
I told you not to use my damn name.
Can't you try to keep from forgetting that?
Not even your code name?
Oh, yeah, yeah. My code name.
Y'all hear that? We're using code names.
We're just about ready to begin the robbery proper!
Yee-haw!
Hurry up, you dang hayseed!
All right. Now, y'all know how this here works.
And that hayseed over there with the red hat...
he's the monitor.
OK, you betcha.
I want you to stay flat for ten full minutes!
We might just come back in five to check.
That's for us to know, and y'all to find out.
Anyone found bipedal in five wears his ass for a hat.
- Yee-haw! - Yee-haw!
Yee-hoo!
That old-timer threw off my concentration...
otherwise, it would've gone smoother.
Shoot, Gale, we done good.
This ought to split up nice three ways.
God damn it! You never leave a man behind!
- Whoa! - Aah!
- Wah! - Aah!
Aah!
Ohh... ohh...
- Where's the baby? - Where's the baby?
God damn it! Ain't we got enough to contend with?
I don't know, ma'am.
You never leave a man behind!
Miz McDunnough, I'm worried sick about him!
Hold on, H.I. Don't be such a hothead!
H.I.!
Miz McDunnough!
- Let us come with you! - Please!
It's our baby, too!
What is he?
Do you see him, too?
Arrgh!
Aaaah!
Give me that baby!
I want that baby!
Give me that baby, you warthog from hell!
Just lay down on the floor, young missy.
Run along, now, honey.
But, Hi...
Just run along, now. Whoa!
Aah! Ah! Aah!
Oh ho!
Aaah! Ooh!
Aaah!
Aah! Aah! Aah...
I'm sorry.
What the hell's goin' on?
Get away from there!
Let's go.
Wait a minute.
I ain't through with you.
What are you doing creeping around here in the dark?
You in with Smalls?
Excuse me?
Leonard Smalls. Big fella.
Rides a Harley.
Dresses like a rock star.
No, sir. That's who we saved him from.
It's a long story.
Suppose you tell it.
Well, sir, in a reward situation...
they usually say no questions asked.
Oh... do they?
Yeah.
Well...
all right, boy.
I guess you got a reward coming.
Twenty-five thousand dollars...
or... if you need home furnishings...
I can give you a line of credit at any of my stores.
That's the way I'd rather handle it. Tax reasons.
We don't want no reward.
We didn't bring him back for money.
We could work it that way, too.
Could I just look at him a little bit more?
Be my guest, little lady.
But, uh...
would-would you mind telling me exactly how you...
You took him... didn't you?
Wasn't that biker at all.
I took him, sir.
My wife had nothing to do with it.
I crept in yon window-
We both did it.
We didn't want to hurt him any.
I just wanted to be a mama.
It wasn't for money or nothing.
We just figured you had more than you could handle, babywise.
But I committed the actual crime...
so if you need to call the authorities-
Shut up, boy. Nobody's calling the authorities...
since there's no harm done.
Thank you, sir.
Bullshit. Just tell me why you did it.
We...
can't have one of our own.
Well...
look, if you can't have kids, you just got to keep trying...
and hope medical science catches up with you...
like Florence and me.
Caught up with a vengeance.
But, hell, even if it never does for you...
you still got each other.
Sir... those are kind words, but...
I think the wife and I are splitting up.
Her point is that we're both kind of...
selfish and unrealistic...
so we ain't too good for each other.
Well, ma'am, I don't know much...
but I do know human beings.
You brought back my boy...
so... you must have your good points, too.
Sure hate to think of Florence leaving me.
I... do... love her so.
Ahem.
You can go out the way you came in...
and before you go off and do another foolish thing...
like bustin' up...
I suggest you sleep on it...
at least one night.
That night I had a dream.
I dreamt I was as light as the ether...
a floating spirit visiting things to come.
The shades and shadows of the people in my life...
rassled their way into my slumber.
I dreamt that Gale and Evelle had decided to return to prison.
Probably that's just as well.
I don't mean to sound superior...
and they're a swell couple guys...
but maybe they weren't ready yet to come out into the world.
And then I dreamed on...
into the future...
to a Christmas morn in the Arizona home...
where Nathan Junior was opening a present...
from a kindly couple...
who preferred to remain unknown.
I saw Glen a few years later...
still having no luck getting the cops to listen...
to his wild tales about me and Ed.
Maybe he threw in one Polack joke too many.
I don't know.
And still I dreamed on...
further into the future than I'd ever dreamed before...
watching Nathan Junior's progress from afar...
taking pride in his accomplishments...
as if he were our own...
wondering if he ever thought of us...
and hoping maybe we'd broadened his horizons a little...
even if he couldn't remember just how they got broadened.
But still I hadn't dreamt nothing about me and Ed...
until the end.
And this was cloudier...
'cause it was years... years away...
but I saw an old couple being visited by their children...
and all their grandchildren, too.
The old couple wasn't screwed up...
and neither were their kids or their grandkids.
Dad.
And I don't know. You tell me.
This whole dream...
was it wishful thinking?
Was I just fleeing reality like I know I'm liable to do?
But me and Ed...
we can be good, too.
And it seemed real.
It seemed like us...
and it seemed like...
well...
our home.
If not Arizona, then a land not too far away...
where all parents are strong and wise and capable...
and all children are happy and beloved.
I don't know.
Maybe it was Utah.